April 2018

I was in the auditorium at the Boston Opera House when my mom started getting bombarded by the texts. Her facial expression went from excited to terrified. She simply just looked at me, her face pale and weak, and said “We have to go”. As we made our way out of the auditorium, the lights went off and we could hear clapping and cheering as we swiftly scurried out of the building. There was no one there, only a police officer on his lonesome, sheltering himself from the frigid New England weather. My mother, tickets in hand, ran up to the lonely police officer and frantically said “We need to go, please take my tickets and give them to someone else”. And with that, the police officer, reading my mother’s facial expression, took the tickets and we stepped outside to face the frigid weather. As we waited for the silver Honda to come pick us up, my mother’s breathing increased in speed the more she looked at her phone, I held her hand and she squeezed as the silver Honda approached us. My mom became more and more panicked the more she looked at her phone on our ride in the Uber. My mother, who I once saw as a strong, powerful, fearless woman, was now a terrified, confused, fragile being. She held my hand the whole ride. I thought we were going home, but turns out, we were stopping at the hospital that we have all gone to be a little too familiar with. As we approached the hospital’s entrance, my mother raced to the door, where we were met with my other aunt, my mom’s sister in law. They hugged and as soon as I went through the door, I was pulled to the waiting room while my mother fled to where my aunt was laying. I sat down in a chair and started fidgeting with my hands. My aunt kept on repeating the same words ever since she pulled me to the waiting room. “It’s ok, she’s with the angels now, she’s with the angels, everything’s okay, she’s with the angels now”. I felt numb and confused. What was happening? What’s going on with my aunt? What’s happening? Why am I not up there with my aunt and everyone else? I don’t understand, what’s going on? All these thoughts running in my head. I started breathing heavily, I felt panicked and didn’t understand what was happening or what was going on with my aunt. We sat there, for what felt like hours, just me and my aunt, sitting in silence, accompanied with the sniffling and quiet crying of my aunt. I wanted to ask her what was happening, but when I went speak, no sound came out, I was empty, stuck. Suddenly I heard footsteps, my father. His face was long, gloomy, pale. My father nodded and my aunt scurried off to where everyone else was. I started coming to the realization that my aunt was dying, as I sat there, unable to do anything, unable to say goodbye. I could feel pressure behind my eyes, I wanted to cry, I wanted to weep. Unfortunately that wasn’t an option for me, I hadn’t cried since middle school. The reason? Depression. I basically forced myself not to cry for 3 years, and as a result, I can no longer cry without physically causing myself to weep. As I was deep in my thoughts, I felt a hand on my thigh. It was warm. I looked up and saw my father looking at me with concern. His hand is always warm. I wanted to weep, more than ever. We sat in silence for hours and hours, the hospital was empty when I saw my uncle, my dead aunt’s husband. They slowly walked out into the waiting room, everyone with the same, long, pale face. Everyone’s eyes were red and filled with tears. My grandparents were still crying, I hugged them first. My grandpa, hugged me so hard, I could feel his breathing and his heartbeat. After slowly hugging my grandparents, aunt and uncle, mom, uncle, my uncle’s sister, and my dad, we slowly made our way to my father’s Acura. The ride home was painfully quiet, all that was heard was the quiet sniffling of my grandpa. I didn’t know how to feel, I felt numb and deep inside, felt a sharp, repeating stabbing in my chest, as if my soul had just shattered. We got home and everyone of us just slumped down onto the sofa and the chairs in my dining room, we were all in shock. My brother got the news in the worst way possible, while being driven home from his friends house, he had no idea what had just happened. When he stepped into the house, his heart heavy from the news he had just received, my aunt, my mom’s sister in law, hugged my brother as tight as she could, she was trying to lighten up the mood, but it wasn’t working, nothing could fix what had just happened. That night I went to sleep praying to God that the sun wouldn’t dare come up again, hoping I would sleep forever, hoping this was all a dream, an awful, heart breaking, cruel, unbearably painful dream. I hoped that when I woke up, my aunt would be alive and well, she’d get out of the hospital and we would get on with our lives. The next morning, I woke with the realization that we had truly just lost a family member. We were all in pain, for my brother and I? We lost our aunt. My mom and uncle, they lost a sister. My aunt, she lost her sister in law. My uncle, he lost the love of his life, his wife. And my grandparents, they lost their youngest daughter. Luckily for me, the sun knew to stay the hell away from us.